As I write, I’m preparing for the 2008 MLB All-Star game. It’ll be tough to top Josh Hamilton’s performance last night (MCOW forthcoming), but this proves to be one of the best all-star games in recent memory….or so I’ve been told by ESPN and FOX. I could have had an entire post devoted to the ‘Red Carpet’ pregame show, but I figured (and hoped) nobody else was watching. Anyway, these are my highlights of the night, typed in real-time…enjoy.
8:00 p.m. – Teams line up on the left and right field lines, Joe Buck does the introduction….goosebumps ensue.
8:01 p.m. – Ernie Banks gives the NL a pre game pep talk, begging them to break the AL’s 11-game win streak…Edinson Volquez stands behind him with his hat backwards and jersey untucked with a look that says, “Why the f*** is Morgan Freeman giving us a pep talk?”
8:06 p.m.- Apparently the Oakland A’s representative is named Justin Duckshire.
8:11 p.m. – I am forced to watch a FOX NFL Sunday Ad. Can’t baseball have three hours for itself?
8:12 p.m. – 49 non-steroid Hall of Famers take the field. On a related note, Barry Bonds’ agent says he’s not getting any offers.
8:14 p.m. – Goose Gossage is introduced to a chorus of fans saying “Gooooooose.” Well, half of them are saying Goose, the other half thought he was a Red Sock and started booing. Does it really matter?
8:18 p.m.- Arod takes his position and shakes the hands of men he has passed or will eventually pass on the All-Time hits and Homerun Lists.
8:20 p.m. – Milton Bradley takes his place next to two guys who play the game the right way: Albert Pujols and Paul Molitor. Maybe some of it will rub off, but more likely Bradley is bombarding them with stories about how he’s finally getting respect and how everyone’s always out to get him.
8:22 p.m. – Brian Cashman hears the ovation for Josh Hamilton and immediately gets on the phone with the Rangers GM.
8:23 p.m. – Brian Cashman’s call goes straight to voicemail.
8:26 p.m. – I see Yogi Berra behind the plate and mistakenly think I’m watching a GEICO commercial.
8:33 p.m. – George Steinbrenner is carted onto the field and I can swear they’re playing the Darth Vader music. Unfortunately, he looks the part (like after he gets his mask ripped off and he’s all gross).
8:36 p.m. – With the field now ruined from the pre-game festivities, it’s the groundscrew’s turn to show why they’re All-Stars.
8:44 p.m. – Pacey from Dawson’s Creek is in a new show, Fringe….count me in, what the hell is a Frutista Freeze?
8:48 p.m. – Tim McCarver calls the strikeout pitch a ‘cutter on the hands’ when it paints the outside corner. And….we’re underway!
8:51 p.m. – 1,2,3 in the first inning. Cliff Lee I would say something nice about you if you didn’t ruin my fantasy team for the past two years. Damn you.
8:55 p.m. – Ben Sheets is not in the best shape of his life.
8:56 p.m. – Chase Utley intentionally mishandles Derek Jeter’s ground ball in an effort to avoid being pelted by beer bottles by the Yankee Stadium crowd.
8:59 p.m. – Manny, being Manny, leaves the weighted bat in Geovany Soto’s way, looking to injure the Cubs catcher just in case the two teams meet in the World Series.
9:08 p.m.- Preview for ‘Swing Vote,’ in a tight race for worst picture of the summer with ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’ and ‘Space Monkeys.’
9:33 p.m. – Starting to doubt whether a run will be scored tonight.
9:40 p.m. – Albert Pujols called out on a double when he was clearly safe, ensuring the fact that no runs will be scored tonight.
9:45 p.m. – Carlos Zambrano, with some hidden Latin agreement, throws an eephus breaking ball to Manny Ramirez that lands behind his head. According to the FOX Hot Zone, Manny Ramirez cannot hit a pitch below his waist.
9:47 p.m. – Hanley Ramirez showcases his All-Star defensive ability (16 errors), by winging a ball to first base. He’s still in the Scout Ball mind frame where throwing it 95 miles per hour into the stands is better than 85 at the chest. Milton Bradley is promptly picked off at first base. Surprisingly, he doesn’t tear his ACL or complain.
9:54 p.m. – Of course Ervin Santana gives up a dinger to Matt Holliday for the first run of the game. Get used to it Angels, you’re gonna be seeing a lot of that in the second half.
10:20 p.m. – Terry Francona pulls Derek Jeter in the middle of the inning so he can receive his standing O from the New York crowd. Jeter, unlike Arod in the previous inning, milks this opportunity for all it’s worth. Surprisingly, he doesn’t run into the stands and cut his eye while running into the dugout.
10:48 p.m. – Corey Hart misplays a ball in right field. Probably would have caught it if he didn’t insist on wearing his sungalsses at night.
10:52 p.m. – Joe Girardi warms up Frankie Rodriguez in the bullpen. I don’t have a joke for that one, that’s just awesome.
10:53 p.m. – JD BOO comes through, tying the game at 2! He was a jerk-off for the Dodgers but I have to respect this guy. Everybody hates him. He doesn’t look like he cares about baseball. But gosh darnit, the guy can hit. Even as he’s walking in the dugout he doesn’t even look like he knows that he’s in the All-Star game.
11:01 p.m. – Yankee Fan starts chanting “overrated” as Papelbon throws a 98 mph fastball to strike out Dan Uggla. Yankee Fan, you’re the one that’s overrated.
11:12 p.m. – Brian Wilson gets his two outs, wipes his brow, and heads to the dugout, hoping that his 4.58 ERA gets him through the second half of the season.
11:19 p.m. – Much to everyone’s shock and dismay, Billy Wagner blows yet another save by giving up a single to Grady Sizemore and a double to rookie Evan Longoria. He gets Justin Morneau to ground out to him, and sprints to first base to record the out. I’m surprised Longoria could focus, what with his recent marriage to Spurs point guard Tony Parker.
11:32 p.m. – Mariano Rivera strikes out Ryan Ludwich on (surprise, surprise) a cutter, and Dioner Navarro throws out Cristian Guzman trying to steal second base to end the inning. Mo is now set up for the victory. If only Jim Leyritz, Scott Brosius, or Aaron Boone was on the AL bench…I guess someone else will have to step up.
11:42 p.m. – Free Baseball! The game goes into the 10th inning as thousands of households across the nation start their DVR’d copy of “Wipeout” before they go to sleep. Extra innings, can you say….tie?
11:56 p.m. – Aaron Cook coming in, Dan Uggla error, this game is over.
11:57 p.m. – Dan Uggla back to back errors after grounding into a double play last inning. Is there an All-Star game LVP? At least he has his steroids to look forward to when he goes home. And they love you, even when nobody else does.
12:00 a.m. – Joe Buck compares Yankee Stadium to the Coliseum (I hope he’s talking about the one in L.A.)…I think it’s time for everyone to go home. Grady Sizemore will try to do it for us.
12:02 a.m. – Uggla somewhat redeems himself by throwing a strike to home plate on Sizemore’s grounder. 1 out with Longo coming up. Do it for the LBC!
12:03 a.m. – Goodness gracious. Longoria grounds into a fielder’s choice, third to home. Bases still loaded, 2 outs for home run derby winner Justin Morneau. Please, we all want to go to sleep!
12:04 a.m. – Miguel Tejada saves the game with an unbelievable off balance body-control throw to get Morneau at first. We’re destined for a tie. I’m assured of it.
12:22 a.m. – Nate McLouth throws out Dioner Navarro at the plate (thanks to a great block and tag by Dodger Russell Martin) to thwart yet another attempt to end the game. Runners on 2nd and 3rd for Carlos Quentin. Come on Q!
12:23 a.m. – Groundout to third, 12th inning here we come……..tie, tie, tie, tie.
12:29 a.m. – Russell Martin lays down a sacrifice bunt that is definitely headed toward foul territory before Morneau fields it and takes the out. Morneau knows we want to go home. Atta boy.
12:30 a.m. – Intentional walk loads the bases for, guess who, Danny Uggla, who stirkes out looking like a little leaguer on a Joakim Soria yakker.
12:37 a.m. – George Sherrill strikes out Adrian Gonzalez to end the inning. I’m getting delirious. I see little purple dogs running around my room. Am I dreaming? Did this game actually end 3 hours ago?
12:39 a.m. – Carlos Guillen hits one off the wall in left. Nooooooooooooo! Why couldn’t it go over the fence? There’s no way he’s scoring from second base. Let’s see how many runners the AL can get thrown out at home this inning.
12:40 a.m. – Grady Sizemore moves Guillen over with a sharp grounder to second (almost booted by Uggla yet again) and the stage is set, once again, for Longoria. Do it for Tony!
12:42 a.m. – Longoria strikes out swinging. I’m starting to think conspiracy. I don’t know what or by whom, but there’s something wrotten in the state of New York.
12:43 a.m. – Intentional walk to Morneau brings up Ian Kinsler, who looks like a 14 year old who’s trying to start a rock band but nobody will join. He looks anything but confident as he steps to the plate, facing Aaron Cook, who suddenly has the stuff and mental makeup of Orel Hershiser.
12:45 a.m. – Kinsler grounds out to third. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.All work and no lay makes Jack a dull boy.
1:00 a.m. – Uggla another error. There’s nothing I can say anymore. Please somebody end this game.
1:05 a.m. – Going to the 14th inning. This was the worst idea I’ve ever had.
1:10 a.m. – Poor Scott Kazmir looks like he’s been at the prom two hours past closing and he’s missing the afterparty. Funny that’s kind of how I feel.
1:13 a.m. – Brandon Webb, do yourself, and all of us a favor and serve one up. Let’s get the eff out of here. The whole ‘this time it counts’ thing is getting very annoying. If it didn’t count they would have cashed this in an hour ago. Stupid Bud Selig.
1:18 a.m.- This is not a joke. My cable just went out. If I don’t see the end of this game I am going to single-handedly bring down the Comcast empire.
1:20 a.m. – Apparently I didn’t miss much. It’s now the 15th inning and Comcast is still on the fritz. They are the worst service of all time. Hands down. Write your congressman.
1:29 a.m. – This is all Joe Buck’s fault for complaining about how fast the game was going in the first 4 innings.
1:31 a.m. – Damn you Ryan Ludwick! Diving catch to keep the game going. Know your role first time All-Star!
1:33 a.m. – Stop putting the camera on Kevin Youkilis, we’re in enough pain already.
1:36 a.m. – Bases loaded, 1 out, if it doesn’t end here, it’s never going to end. Goodness gracious thank you Corey Hart for having the arm of a 12 year old girl. The throw was late, the AL wins for the 12th straight year. 4 hours and 50 minutes. I am a dedicated journalist.
I would come up with some witty conclusion comparing this to the Hundred Years War or some other applicable historical reference, but I’m way too tired and I’m going to sleep.
P.S. – If you read this far, you’re either related to me, my girlfriend, or somebody I feel deeply, deeply sorry for.