What's This All Aboot?

 

We interrupt this broadcast of 8-year-old Chinese gymnasts masquerading as 16-year-olds for an urgent message: ONE OF THE PARTICIPATING NATIONS IS NOT HOLDING UP ITS END OF THE BARGAIN.

As of the time of this post, the fine nation of Canada had won 0 medals. Yup, that’s right, not one of the 33 million Canadian citizens can say that they have a medal at the 2008 Olympic Games. You, sitting on your couch yelling at American gymnasts for falling off a balance beam the width of your remote control, have just as many medals as any Canadian athlete.

Just for comparison’s sake, let’s take a look at some of 50 powerhouse nations that have managed to justify the 4 years of training, millions of dollars worth of travel, and countless amounts of commercials by actually winning a medal:

  • Armenia
  • Azerbaijan
  • Mongolia
  • Togo (I guess they’re not just a sandwich shop anymore)
  • Vietnam
  • Egypt
  • Zimbabwe
  • Finland
  • Georgia (actually a country, not the Peach State)

and my personal favorite…

  • The Stan Brothers: Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, and of course the home of Borat, Kazakhstan.

It’s not like Canada is perenially in the poor house when it comes to the Olympics. In Athens in 2004, the Canucks took home 12 medals, including 3 golds! I don’t know what happened between now and then, but it seems like they never thawed out from the winter.

Hey, if your country is gonna spend its hard-earned Loonies and Toonies to get you here, you might as well compete, right? Here are some possible reasons for why they haven’t been able to break through with that first medal:

  1. Too much poutine.

    French fries and gravy....a marriage made in heaven

    French fries and gravy....a marriage made in heaven

  2. Still hung over from too many Molson Canadians on Canada Day.
    I think I had too much, eh?

    I think I had too much, eh?

     

  3. They are disqualified because they bring their hockey sticks to every competition.

    These guys showed up for gymnastics

    These guys showed up for gymnastics

  4. Instead of a swimming pool, the Canadian swim team practiced in a vat of maple syrup.

    This might get you through one Canadian breakfast

    This might get you through one Canadian breakfast

  5. All the real Canadian athletes stayed behind to become Royal Canadian Mounties.

    They always get their man...but unfortunately no medals

    They always get their man...but unfortunately no medals

 

Those are just a few ideas about why our friendly neighbors to the north have been struggling thus far. The most logical reason, though, is that they’re saving up so they can blow everyone to hell in Vancouver in the 2010 Winter Olympics, where they consistently give everyone else a good old fashioned wood-shed beating (24 medals, 7 golds in Turin in 2006).
With my luck, the Canadians will have 8 medals by the time this posts, but hey you gotta take any opportunity you can to take a shot at Canada, eh? What with their universal health care and friendly, helpful nature.

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  • YourCanadianGirlfriend!!

    You do know im a Canadian athlete, right??? But I still loved it anyways and don’t bash the poutine until you have tried it!!