I know you’ve seen them. They’re more ubiquitous than postgame cliches, Yankee Stadium boos, and Chicago Cubs excuses combined. What I’m talking about, of course, are these multicolored necklaces that every single baseball player seems to be wearing these days.
They’re called Phiten Titanium Necklaces and whoever does their marketing should have their Blackberry retired. Through word of mouth, great advertising (which I have yet to see) or some other miracle, baseball players have all seemed to buy into it.
At first I thought it was just a fashion statement like the Van Dyke beard in the mid-to-late 90s. After doing a little research I find out that these things are full-fledged Magic Beans. According to their website,
“Phiten’s exclusive processes amplify the energy management system increasing the efficiency of each and every single cell.”
It goes on to say that the product MAY help to…
- Alleviate Discomfort
- Enhance Circulation
- Promote Relaxation
- Stabilize Energy Flow
- Reduce Stress
- Soothe Tension
Now I know baseball players are a superstitious bunch, ready to jump at anything that promises to improve performance (see: STEROIDS, HGH, ANDRO, etc.) but this is remarkable even for them. How grown men making millions of dollars a year became conviced that a necklace can help them reach peak performance is beyond me.
In fact, I’m pretty sure the necklaces are having the opposite effect based on the “studs” they chose to put on the front page of their website:
- Justin Verlander (8 more losses and 8 fewer wins than last season)
- Josh Beckett (just went on the DL with a mysterious “strained right elbow”)
- Clay Bucholz (ERA ballooned from 1.59 last year to 6.75 this year)
- Justin Morneau (11 fewer homeruns than last year)
I’d say the necklaces aren’t exactly working for their posterboys.
I’ve got no beef with the Phiten people on this one. They’re just selling a bogus product that people choose to believe. The fault here lies entirely with the ballplayers that choose to swallow this Mumbo Jumbo. But hey, do what you gotta do.
The worst part is you can see little leaguers all over the country emulating their heroes by buying this witchcraft ($25 per necklace, by the way). I guess with all the money parents spend on their kids’ equipment, it could be worse.
They could be running up saying, “Daddy, you gotta get me a Gold Thong like the Giambino!”