NBA All-Star Celebrity Game: Keep Your Eyes on That Bieber-Costanza Match-Up

I know it’s blasphemy, but most of the time I can’t wait for the Superbowl to be over so that I can feel the excitement of NBA All-Star Weekend. This year is no exception, as the lure of Blake Griffin in the dunk contest has set the excitement meter to eleven. The game itself is always sub-par, but with the anti-LeBron sentiment around the league, perhaps this year will be more intense.

As if I weren’t excited enough, yesterday the NBA announced some of the participants in the 2011 BBVA NBA All-Star Celebrity Game (not sure what BBVA is, but it sounds like a disease that the Bluth family would throw a benefit for). It’s always fun to tune into the Celebrity Game for a few minutes (I tried to watch the whole thing one year and simply couldn’t do it) for one reason and one reason only: to see hilariously bad attempts at athleticism.

With that in mind, this year’s list of contestants is extremely promising. I could see any of these guys catching a pass with his face, shooting the ball completely over the backboard, or even breaking his own ankle attempting a between-the-legs crossover.

That being said, this thing is not all fun and games. Opposing general managers Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Simmons, will be playing to win. I’ve decided to do a little scouting to assess some of the players’ strengths and weaknesses. Hopefully you can key in on these to make the game a little more interesting.

Justin Bieber – Teen Heartthrob

Strenghts: small, girlish frame makes him tough to defend; mesmerizes defenders with his dreamy brown eyes.

Weaknesses: has trouble going to the right because shaggy hair occasionally blocks vision in right eye.

Ty Burrell – Funny Dad from Modern Family

Strengths: height of 5′ 10″ makes him tallest celebrity competitor in history; solid post moves.

Weaknesses: tends to miss scoring opportunities in favor of physical humor displays, particularly faking testicle-related injuries.

Rob Kardashian – Reality TV Sensations’ Brother

Strengths: actually played high school basketball (at my alma mater Buckley in Los Angeles), so that puts him head and shoulders above other celebrities.

Weaknesses: susceptible to trash talking, such as “Come on, didn’t Lamar give you some pointers before the game?” which could potentially affect his confidence.

Jason Alexander – TV’s George Costanza…and I guess some other roles

Strengths: blows by defenders as they stare at him trying to figure out where they know him from.

Weaknesses: has been known to stop in the middle of the game to go on neurotic rants about the size of NBA players’ private parts in comparison to his, indicating a lack of focus.

Common – Good Rapper/Not-So-Good Actor

Strengths: intimidates other celebrities, who believe he actually played in the NBA when he was simply portraying a character in “Just Wright”, despite clear evidence of cut-aways and stunt doubles

Weaknesses: believes he actually played in the NBA when he was simply portraying a character in “Just Wright”, despite clear evidence of cut-aways and stunt doubles.

I’ve got my money on my boy Rob for MVP honors. I’ve played with him as recently as last year, and when he gets hot he can knock down the three ball with proficiency. The game is Friday, Feb. 18 at 7 p.m. ET if you want to tune in. I know I will.

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