Miami’s QB Situation: Start Ryan Tannehill…And Stick With Him

When it came to addressing their quarterback need this off-season, the Miami Dolphins had plans to eat at a 5-star motherf**king steakhouse: at one point, they were the presumptive front-runners in the closely-watched Peyton Manning Sweepstakes. But, as we all know, Manning decided to take his aging-but-still-relatively-premium talents elsewhere (apparently because of his strong aversion to bath salt-induced cannibal face attacks).

As a backup, the Dolphins went down the block and considered trying that “new place everyone’s been talking about”. AND they totally air-balled on nabbing highly-touted free agent Matt Flynn.

The Dolphins are now stuck at a desolate, depressing I-95 exit choosing between McDonald’s, Wendy’s, and Arby’s, as they currently have an intriguing-because-its-so-dismal 3-way position battle between David Garrard, Matt Moore, and rookie Ryan Tannehill.

However, chin up DOLFANS: if you analyze the situation carefully enough, you will see that an answer floats to the surface of these murky backfield waters:


It makes sense. Follow me here.

Yes, the early reports are grim: Tannehill’s not picking up the offense, he’s not reading coverages, he’s not adjusting to the speed of professional football, etc., etc. But if he sucks balls and completely harfs the 2012 campaign (well, hopefully to the tune of worse than 6-10 so they can avoid the sort of talent drop-off that landed them Tannehill in the first place), the Dolphins will be well-positioned in next year’s draft. And if you’re an NFL team, don’t you want to win big or lose and lose badly so that you can rebuild your team through the draft (Ahem, the Indianapolis Colts)?

You can also rebuild through free agency, but need I remind you again how that went for the Dolphins this year? And in general, free agency is expensive, and the marketplace isn’t without its risks, given that you’re competing with other teams (who may or may not have bigger wallets than you do) and usually dealing with players who are getting older in a physically rigorous sport (which of course negatively impacts the probability of a player repeating a certain level of performance year in and year out).

And there’s the high-end possibility that Tannehill actually turns out to be a good NFL quarterback. But then again he has NEVER PLAYED IN AN ACTUAL NFL GAME. So as of right now, we just can’t, with any degree of certainty, say what his floor/ceiling is.

However, we DO know what David Garrard and Matt Moore are capable of. And it ain’t much. But it is slightly more than absolutely reprehensible. What Garrard and Moore give you is that tantalizing and painful brand of wheel-spinning serviceable mediocrity that gets a franchise nowhere fast. Yes, Tannehill could turn in the same product at the end of the day, but the unknowns and variables when it comes to where he could take (or severely not take) the team make him the far more appealing strategic option.

I’m sure this situation will remain a story and headline over the next few months, and the Dolphins will ultimately make the wrong decision. And the reasoning will be that since the strength of Miami’s offense is going to be their rushing attack, all they need is an experienced quarterback behind center who’s not going to make too many mistakes, right? Mind you that rushing attack is lead by the questionably durable Reggie Bush, who just last season (his 6th season) finally (and barely) cleared 1,000 yards on the ground and two unproven youngsters in Daniel Thomas and Lamar Miller. I’d use “strength” loosely.

Ay dios mio, Miami. At least you have the Heat.

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Michael Jordan ‘Pretty Sure’ Anthony Davis Will Still Be Available At Number Two

The Charlotte Bobcats just suffered through the worst season in NBA history, but management is confident that their fortunes will turn at tonight’s NBA draft.

Bobcats majority owner and head of basketball operations Michael Jordan announced Thursday that his sources are telling him that Anthony Davis, arguably the best prospect in the draft, will be available when the Bobcats make their selection at number two.

“We know he’s a project,” Jordan said, “but there’s just something about this kid that we really like.”

Jordan, who has been widely criticized for his decision-making as an executive, says that he is fully committed to taking Davis with the second overall pick in the draft. This despite the fact that Davis has been considered the consensus number one pick since his first game at the University of Kentucky last season.

When asked what he would do if Davis is selected by the New Orleans Hornets with the first pick in the draft, Jordan criticized the media for their lack of knowledge of the situation.

“You guys think you know what’s going on, but you’ve never played the game,” said Jordan, “I have reliable sources that have been with me since day one, and I think my track record speaks for itself.”

When asked if he had a backup plan if Davis is off the board by the time he picks, Jordan was equally defensive.

“Backup plans are for losers,” said Jordan, “I have six rings. You do the math.”

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LeBron James’ Cyborg Legs Malfunction Late In Game Four

When Manfred Clynes and Nathan S. Kline first coined the term “cyborg” in a 1960 article, they never expected that the performance of the human-machine hybrids would reach the levels that we’re seeing today.

The best example, of course, is cybernetic organism 2306—known in most circles as LeBron James—who has been thrilling audiences of millions for several years with his near-perfection in the sport of basketball. That’s why it came as a shock when, during last night’s Game Four between the Miami Heat and Oklahoma City Thunder, 2306 had to be removed due to a circuitry error in the lower biomechanical appendages.

It was the first significant physical malfunction in the 27-year existence of 2306, which was built to achieve previously unfathomable levels of strength, quickness, and durability.

The cyborg has experienced problems in the past, but they have mostly been malfunctions in its emotional circuits. The most famous cognitive miscalculation was the anger-inducing spectacle known as “The Decision,” which his creators later attributed to an error in programming.

“When we saw ‘The Decision’ our greatest fears were realized,” said Friedrich Adler, the chief programmer for 2306, “We knew we had to get in there and modify the emotional centers of the android.”

Despite the cognitive lapses 2306 has been performing brilliantly at its primary task, winning three of the last four NBA MVP awards. While commissioner David Stern initially balked at the idea of allowing a cyborg to compete amongst regular humans, he ultimately decided 2306 would create a better product for the fans.

The only other physical issue with 2306 has been an inability to keep the hairline at a consistent level. Its creators say they cannot figure out why the cyborg’s hairline continues to recede, exposing the titanium exoskeleton of its forehead. While they work on a permanent solution, the creators suggested simply covering the mistake with an extremely thick headband.

Because of the lack of physical problems with 2306, last night’s episode frightened Adler and its creators.

“When we saw 2306 go down we figured, ‘well, that’s it’,”said Adler, who is on hand as a consultant during most Heat home games, “We were ready to take it to the locker room, remove the cerebral cortex, and box it up. But that 2306 just won’t stop until it wins an NBA title. It really thinks it’s human. Remarkable”

2306 is expected to be fully repaired in time for tipoff of Thursday’s Game 5.

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Dwyane Wade And Russell Westbrook Dedicate Game Four To Children In Need Of Nerd Glasses

Basketball is just a game. But sometimes…it’s more than that.

Steve Nash preached this sentiment in an NBA Cares commercial that began airing a few years ago, but NBA Finals superstar guards Dwyane Wade and Russell Westbrook are keeping the message alive tonight.

The duo has dedicated tonight’s pivotal Game Four to the millions of children across the world who have been forced to endure the pain of living their entire lives without owning a pair of nerd glasses.

“It’s just another way to give back,” said Wade, “I remember the horror of growing up without nerd glasses. We all saw Urkell on TV and how cool he was—the other kids picked on me and made fun of my bare face constantly.”

Wade, Westbrook, and others have made a statement this season by wearing oversized nerd glasses during postgame press conferences. While players like Amar’e Stoudemire and Dwight Howard have been avid proponents of nerd glasses awareness for years, the movement is reaching new heights during the NBA Finals.

“I applaud those guys for their courage,” said Howard, “The top one percent doesn’t want you to think about the lack of nerd glasses for the youth in this country. It’s something that makes you sick to your stomach.”

Wade and Westbrook sought permission from NBA Commissioner David Stern to wear nerd glasses during the game, but they were ultimately denied. Stern cited safety precautions in his decision, claiming that the glass could shatter and cause injury to the players’ eyes.

The players countered by pointing out the fact that the nerd glasses don’t actually contain any lenses, but Stern refused to go back on his ruling.

Despite being on opposing teams, Wade and Westbrook have showed tremendous teamwork in delivering their message this postseason. And should both players make this summer’s Olympic basketball team, they plan to take their cause overseas.

“Children in Europe generally have more nerd glasses than those in the U.S.,” said Westbrook, “but it’s still an epidemic. We wear oversized glasses because it’s an oversized problem.”

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Why Manu Ginobili Is So Fired Up This Series

I actually made this at It is, as advertised, quite easy to make anything you want. You just have to be okay with a little copyright infringement and having “” on the bottom of your creation.

Obviously I’m fine with both.

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